Finding a Future in Your Dirty Dishes

By Jesse Stewart, Staff Writer

Far rarer than oil, money, or love, time seems to be the scarcest resource of all. There never seems to be quite enough to go around, despite an abundance of machines designed to free our hands, minds, and attention. Technology helps clear our schedules more than ever before, yet we feel busier than we’ve ever been. It seems that there’s not enough hours in the day, but what if I told you that you already own an instrument that can help you slow the sands of time?

There are approximately eighty million dishwashers in the United States and, if you ask me, that’s about eighty million too many. In numerous polls, half of all Americans feel anxiety due to a perception of not having enough time in the day, despite more than 75% of all households owning a dishwasher, a machine designed for the expressed purpose of freeing up the user’s obligations to cleaning their cutlery and tableware.

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How to Fly Your Elephant into the New Year

By: Jesse Stewart, Staff Writer

One of the greatest days of my life came when I was quite young, sitting in science class. I was always a good student, but had trouble when assignments grew into multi-day or multi-week endeavors. The stress of a science fair project felt like an elephant sitting on my chest: daunting and impossible to know where to start. The Dumbos of my youth were gone, and this new pachyderm packed quite a punch.

As a child you assume that the world is either entirely orderly or pure chaos; growing older and understanding that neither is particularly true can be a demoralizing and paralyzing recognition of the challenging mountain each of us must climb. But the day I first learned about the relationship between potential and kinetic energy, in the form of Newton's First Law of Motion, I saw the peaks before me shift into ramps so that I may fly, if I flapped my wings consistently (I also had big ears, which helped).

Newton’s First Law of Motion describes ‘inertia’, the natural law that states an object in motion tends to stay in motion and an object at rest tends to stay at rest, also known as ‘momentum.’ The morning I learned that such a succinct force governed the universe, and therefore my little life as well, was the day I learned how to transform my mountains into ramps: pebble by pebble, and feeding the elephant only one peanut at a time.

One of the most annoying tidbits passed around every Christmastime is the that gym memberships increase by about twelve percent each January, as the population attempts their “New Year’s Resolutions,” with these figures dropping off only a month or two later. I was a pedantic child, who grew up to be a very pedantic man, so at literally no point have I felt anything other than dumbfounded shock that people assign self-improvement to something so arbitrary as the calendar, probably lecturing some adults at a Christmas party, “Santa Claus is definitely real, the Easter Bunny is my best friend, and the TV says that Saddam has weapons of mass destruction…but I wasn’t born yesterday: you dorks are lazy.”

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The Diminishing Value of Your Vote

By: Jesse Stuart, Staff Writer

Just before his death, Osman Hamdi Bey painted a portrait of an old man attempting to train tortoises and succeeded in indirectly depicting the inherent deficiencies of a dying government. Bey was the preeminent artist during the Tanzimat, a time when the Ottoman Empire was struggling to adopt the technological innovations of Europe while preserving their sense of identity and culture. In his 1906 painting, The Tortoise Trainer, Bey displays the simple scene of an elder (who bears a resemblance to the painter himself) using a flute and vegetables to train the tortoises at his feet.

The image is a satirical one; regardless of who the man and the reptiles are meant to represent, he is an antiquated figure in antiquated garb and using antiquated techniques to coach creatures for a pointless purpose (tortoises were once used as living decorations but certainly no longer by 1906), rendering this entire moment an anachronism: there is no reform or action that the Ottoman government can take to salvage itself, as the political structures by which it operates are the very nooses slowly tightening around its neck.

You can look at The Tortoise Trainer and think of the Ottoman Empire, ‘destined’ to fall and fracture after World War One, but I see the United States in every brushstroke, a comparison quite evident not just by the candidates of the 2020 election but attitude of its voters.

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Embracing the Stormy Sea-OVID-19

By: Jesse Stewart, Staff Writer

In March of last year, I was on a date with a model at a fancy Italian restaurant in Hong Kong. In March of this year, I was alone in my parents’ basement with a plate of chicken tenders. I ordered chicken tenders in Hong Kong as well, but that's not the point.

To say that COVID-19 has upended the average life would be an understatement. Every nation has been brought to their knees, economies slowly sinking and people more unsure and insecure than they have been since the Second World War. Even those that love to plan and prioritize have found themselves look at not just the coming year with uncertainty but the coming week.

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