I remember when I was 9
Asking my mom, "is dad coming to pick us up today" with a hopeful smile on my tiny face
"I don't know mija he hasn't called me" causing that smile to fade within a second
I was 9
It was a no call no show once again
This is the third time this month
"Why don't you want to see me, dad", is what I thought thinking he didn't love us anymore
I was 9 when you left me
Read MoreI remember the first time I took flight and I didn’t expect the wind to push against me as hard as it did on that September morning.
I was told by others before me that the wind was supposed to guide me in the direction that they had called the “American Dream”
We have flown over 265 miles and this was just in one day. We have more than two months left before we make it to this so-called dreamland where we are welcomed with love and compassion.
But this journey is not easy in the slightest way possible because the sun has gotten to the point where its burning parts of our wings making it harder to fly and some have fallen into the river and never made it out of its currents then others gave out after the heat had gotten to them and never made it past the desert.
Yet for the ones that made it we noticed that we weren’t the only ones flying in this foreign land known as the American Dream there were other butterflies flying as if they knew our struggle.
Their wings resemble that of our own but then I realized that they were moths and the words they were telling had become bittersweet.
Those words at first were welcome to your new home we can’t wait to see the dream you achieve then turned bittersweet to the point that it was nothing but “ Go back to your country” “This is America you speak English” “you don’t belong here” “you are the reason we have criminals in this country”
After so long those words become nothing but white noise behind the sound of the wings against the cages they had placed us in
I never would have thought I would see myself separated from the kaleidoscope of those who I had known as home
Then not to mention those born on this dreamland never knowing the beauty of their parents’ homeland because they can never return without the permission of the moths
Yet we as legacies for a better life found a way to fight for not only ourselves but those who have had their wings cut and make them heard from beyond the white noise
Because if the “American Dream” is who they say they are, why is it that they continue to look at us as if we don’t exist in their melting pot of diversity and the dream of a better life.
I never would have thought to see kids in love for the rest of time
That's probably one of the most wholesome experiences one could ever have
Is to be with the one that you have loved since you were children and have your own life together
There was a time where I didn't have the representation of love that was healthy growing up
Then I realized I did I just wasn't paying attention to the little things
That love was the love my abuelo and abuela shared with one another
They were kids when they meet and have been inseparable since then
They knew they were kids but knew a love like theirs would last for the rest of time
Then before you knew it they had kids of their own that were formed out of the love they had for each other
Each of them are special in their own way that made them the parents they were and with that taught their children what love was supposed to look like
I always remember my mother telling me stories about my abuelitos and how their love was something that was one of a kind and that she wished for this experience in her life
Then I would always tell her that she gave birth to someone that loved her just as much and she would always laugh and smile and say, "yes mija I did"
Now to think that 53 years with someone is not enough time to love someone in my opinion
Because since my abuelo lost my abuela in April of this year he still makes time to go see her
Which includes him crossing the border every day with roses just to see la alma de su vida
And nothing has ever broke me enough until my abuelo told me that he sees her every day
Por qué ella fue la amor más especial en su vida para siempre
And I cry for him every time I think of my grandparents
They were 15 and 16 when they met and fell in love
Then without a doubt got married when they were 16 and 17 on May 19th of 1969
They may not have had the most elegant life but it was one full of amor that they only understood and it showed to those around them
They were one another’s peace and chaos and it was one of the most beautiful things that they experienced which I saw growing up
My abuelo was always so gentle with my abuela and she was only ever calm with him and the people she truly cared about
Their way of showing love was something I look for even in my own life and I catch myself imitating them especially for those I deeply care for
Those people know who they are
They had all 5 love languages and always showed them to each other without hesitation
There was a point in my life where I knew that I wanted a love like that
Because whenever I talk to my abuelo about my abuela
There is this look in his eyes that still lights up as if it was the first time he saw her
He never fails to tell me that she was the love of his life and wished he had all the time in the world to hold her once more and to tell her that he loved her with his whole heart
They were simply who they have always been for 53 years
Niños enamorados por el resto de tiempo
This is not my first time being in limbo, I have been in limbo even before my very existence
I have experienced the very lives of my mother and grandmother had because I was a soul bound to watch their existence
I experienced the wars they have had with themselves knowing I would experience the same fate
Then before I knew it I took the breath of life but I knew instinctively that my soul has been here before
And I have walked more around this world than some have in their entire life
I was brought in this world by an immigrant mother knowing I would have a different life
But that is not what scared my soul
what scared it was the very world I was born into
Mi sangre was Mexican and American but never enough for either
Yet I could never tell my own mother how I saw myself because I was scared that I would see my mother's heart break right in front of me
But as a mother she always knew and told me,“ Tu sangre es fuerte todo en tiempo mija”
I never understood what she meant until now
Mi sangre es fuerte and time was indeed in my favor
The pain I experienced in this life was meant for a reason
As a child you don’t understand why things happen the way they do
But as time continues you come to a understanding that life is a war
A war in which you face yourself and have to come to a moment of peace for yourself because that is what your heart deserves
That never came easy to me
especially being in a world where I feel like I don't belong
Yet I realized I couldn't keep fighting with myself because it takes a toll
It takes a toll on your mind, body, and spirit
those thoughts of not feeling enough for either side and to find that middle ground where I am enough no matter the situation
That all happened because my mother and my grandmother
They were the strongest women I knew in my life and they saw me for who I was
That is all I ever wanted in my life was for someone to see me for who I was
But I was so stuck in my own head that I never looked into the eyes of the women who raised me
That is where my moment of peace came was from the eyes that only ever wanted peace
Especially feeling stuck between two halves of yourself that are constantly at war with one another
I know that it's better to come to an acceptance rather than to keep the cycle of denial and deny the existence of those before me
I know that two halves make a whole
I know that my blood runs through two different countries
I know that my existence is tied between two cultures that meet at the la frontera with beauty and poise why be stuck in limbo when I can be embraced by those who understand my existence